Me rainbow

The Drugs

So last night I pushed through all the panic attacks..not exaggerating, I keep having panic attacks. Multiple ones. Then I read about how hard this withdrawal and THAT sends me in a panic attack. Crazy town, that's where I'm living right now.

Here's the good news...I survived my first "withdrawal". I went two days without it and that was probably pushing it. I was getting twitchy which feels seizure-y which feels horrifying.

So two days. I won't go two days without it for now.

I learned that.

I also learned that I can break insomnia! I think I mentioned I slept one hour in three days. This is how someone goes insane. Someone on my recovery group message board, recommended just reading a book. Always puts him asleep.

Me too, always. So last night I got cozy in bed, nervous about whether I could sleep or not, and had they Nyquil ready to go, right by my bed.

Long story, I feel asleep within minutes. A beautiful, heavy sleep for hours, uninterrupted. I don't remember when I woke up feeling so "healed". There is no other word for it.

Sleep, man, our bodies NEED IT or we go weird.

Today I cut my xanax in half (tappering) and didn't even crave it. I always crave it.

I wish I didn't have to take it. You have no idea what a shift this is in my thinking. Taking my daily xanax is something I look forward to and makes me instantly happy.

Today, I feel a little different. Healthy, clear-minded, hopeful and positive.

Quite a shift in a day.

Thanks for going along this journey with me.
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Me rainbow

Change Sucks

Sometimes. My neighbors are gems. They have lived next to us for..must I do the math...4 decades. Yea. My whole life. They are perfect people, pretty kids, kind, genuine. Norman Rockwell. I think the world of them as much as I am fascinated by them. I am the anti-Norman. I'd love to be like them but alas.

They are now "getting up their in years". The dad health is declining and they are going to move into an assisted living home. I have no idea this would affect me so much.

I find something comforting living next to them. As though, perfection is somehow possible. Make sense?

Not to mention my sadness of seeing their health decline. Of course I think of my own parents. Is this our future? I can't let my mind go there. Because who the hell knows. Why worry about something that might not come to be.

In the meantime, I drive by the house and see the for sale sign. And feel angry, sad, bummed out, what's the word, I don't know.

Just unhappy.

Bye, family. I miss you already.

Change, sometimes you just really irritate me.

Nothing is permanent. There is both comfort and sadness in this, isn't there.

:(
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Me rainbow

In My Defense....

So my dad is trying to grow a winter lawn. Which, since I've been on vacation (last day, curses) I can't help but notice and take notes on. And what I've observed is that he waters the lawn a lot. Obsessively a lot. Four times a day, maybe. He is obsessed with the lawn, I'm obsessed with his obsession.

All this means I can't take a hot shower anymore.

The lawn gets all the water. No water for you.
We are left, like shivering orphans, wanting more.

It's a problem. I can't take a shower unless it's scorching hot. I have no idea what this says about me but probably something neurotic and weird.

Hot, yes.
Warm, out of the question.

I'd rather take a cold shower. I would. Warm feels so...tepid. And useless. I feel like I am taking a shower in battery acid, if you know what I mean. (Because I don't.)

Maybe I can just take sponge baths until the lawn comes in. Or, better, just stop bathing! It's a thought.

I read recently that people feel sympathy/pity for those who have body odor. Yes, it's kind of a revolting smell but you also feel for the person. I used to work with the homeless through a church and, yup, that is how I felt. Sadness. Sympathy.

The saving grace is he keeps the house a hot sauna. People walk in and comment on it. It's maybe 85 in here?

I LIKE IT. Warmth wraps around me like a warm blanket.

I look outside my window and the front lawn looks like a pool as he waters it. I could shower in the sprinklers. I do see some birds taking a happy little bath. I could just...join them.

Our lawn. The community bath.


Or
not.
Me rainbow

Beginning Again...

What comes to mind when you hear the words, eJournalist?.
Anything? Without elaborating (bore you to tears, trust me), I was given that title recently.
And I rather like it. It sounds terribly fancy.

eJournalist

Like Lois Lane when being Lois Lane was cracking...


So 2014 looms. I hate the new year, always have. The holiday, the parties and, most of all, that damn wretched Auld Lang Syne song. I go full-on nutty...filled with so much regret and obsessing over loss and, yea, just generally inconsolable and miserable.

2014 is...different.Collapse )
  • Current Mood: saucy
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Project Mid Me

Day One.

Sick. Woke up sick. Marvelous timing, this. I've been grouchy and miserable all day. Man, do I not do sick well. My thinking gets garbled, I'm a giant, whiny baby. So not a good day to start this. But I did sleep most of it off and feeling nearly back to normal...

It's now Saturday, early evening, and I'm ready to give it another go.
NyQuil = Nirvana

Day One (and a half)Collapse )
  • Current Mood: optimistic optimistic
Me rainbow

Project Mid Me

Strange name. Project Mid Me. So what in the hell does it even mean.
It means I am about to start a project, a self-improvement project, and I didn't want to dwell on the name of it.

Because this is how I operate.

*Bright Idea!*
I know. I'll start a big, huge self-improvement project!
*Lots of warm and fuzzy good feelings abound.*
Motivated and happy, sit down, realize I should "title" this project something.
Spend hours trying to come up with the most perfectly witty, interesting, brilliant title to encompass this new project.
Brain goes blank. Paralyzed by the pressure.
Abandon project in disgust, mission not accomplished.
Again.

So, not this time.
I'm muscling right through my perfectionism and settling on Project Mid Me! Woot woot, y'all.Collapse )
  • Current Mood: excited excited
Me rainbow

Change

Is in the air!

Or needs to be. I'm officially in a rut. Basically for my entire life right now.

Life Time Rut.

Rutty rut rut rut rut.

The difficult part for me is just I don't hate my life. I'm not uncomfortable with it.
Really, I'm restless and have been forever now.

I keep reminding myself that, if I don't shake things up a little, I'm going to have regret.
I actually already do.

Hello Change. I'm working on getting to you, don't go anywhere.